When times get too fast and interesting, I'm faced with the same dilemma: to write down everything I've experienced, learned and reflected before I forget, or to shut off and take a break. If I'm living in the moment, and I'm inspired to write, I'll write. If not, I'd rather turn on some music and eat orange yogurt while surfing the internet. But if I'm living for the future, I should document my experiences and thoughts before they are lost. But then I think: Will the important things be lost? and Will my future self forgive me for choosing to indulge in the laziness of the present? Is this laziness or is it momentary disinterest?
I wonder if the university has made me too critical, too quick to be contrary. I see the value in preparing students to be critical thinkers, but what happens when we criticize everything, deconstruct everything, delay decision forever? I think I'm reaching some kind of new turning point in my life. As a kid, I was expressive and defiant. And I remember thinking people, especially adults, didn't understand me. During middle school, I felt very much a part of some larger system, and wanted to follow it like everybody else. I didn't question so much my teachers or the things adults told me.
I entered high school uninterested in studying and insecure about expressing my feelings publicly. Due to the encouragement of my father, I began to immerse myself in studies and get involved in school activities. I still felt that I was a part of a system, and that there were clear stepping stones to follow to college, a career, a family life and retirement.
My study abroad year at 16/17 years was awesome. I realized that there are other systems with their respective stepping stones. My perspective widened, as did my capacity to understand and empathize. But I continued to live within my system and to see others as "others."
At the university, I took many classes that inspired me and inflamed a passion for learning, discussing and analyzing. In an international studies class, my idea of belonging to a system, and needing to follow its respective path was painfully challenged. Legitimacy questioned, truth questioned, morality questioned. Of course, I had had thoughts like this before, but maybe not strongly since I was a child, openly expressive and defiant, asking my father questions like "Why can't girls marry girls?" I spent many days thinking about what is right and what is wrong. What is reality and what ideology I should be aligned with. I didn't even hear the term postmodern, but I guess that's what I was.
Flash forward two years of wondering and frustration: my time in Israel and Finland has been absolutely full of discussions about existence, reality, right vs. wrong, the point in life, etc... I still meet many who believe there are universal truths, and others who believe its highly individual and constructed.
But I feel myself going through a turning point where the lucid wondering has turned into a conscious effort to find practical and tangible solutions for issues. I am still critical, and maybe think too much, but I feel the time passing and I'd like to try to control it for once.
I forgive younger me for not blogging about her experiences at this time, even though I'd be interested in what she was thinking at the moment or what she did and ate that day.
